I weighed myself today. I don’t know why. I’m not using the information. It’s not guiding my behavior. Why am I bothering to know exactly how much of a piece of shit I am.
I weighed myself and I usually hover around 230; 240 today. 240. I weigh 240 pounds. Which is not okay. No, no (ceases the applause) it’s not okay because there’s no way - you how when you go to the doctor and he gives you a formula for how much you weigh, you know, like a rule of thumb? I’m pretty sure it’s not your age plus 200 pounds. That doesn’t seem like- Like, I was watching a boxing match the other day and both guys they weigh 110 pounds each. So, both of those guys still need a fat baby and a dead dog to make me.”
At 6 minutes. Sounds like my last relationship. Huh-lah-ree-uss.
Selina Kyle: My mother warned me about getting into cars with strange men.
Batman: This isn’t a caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Marathoned all four seasons of Two Guys, A Girl (And a Pizza Place)
I forgot how much charm I stole from Ryan Reynolds.
And by steal, I mean horrible imitation.
Weeeeeeeeeeell, it’s been fun.
I meant my new leather bag!....leather bag!!!
- (I still find this hilarious. I walk into the elevator and its four tech bros from my work and some lady from another floor I don't know. Aaaaagh)
- Mart: What's up, Pat? Long day?
- Me: Ahhhhh, not too bad. Man, the highlight of my day is finding out that this thing (points to mid-section where my bag is) has a big zipper.
- Mart: Oh yeah?
- Me: Yeah! This whole time I've been walking around with the zipper open. Not. Safe.
- Mart: .........
- Me: But this is great, because now I don't have to worry about my stuff spilling out and having to check it all the time when I get off the subway.
- Woman: (walks out of elevator) BOUAHAHAHA.
- Me: Fucks up with her?
- Mart: ...:)
- Me: (thinks) Wait. Did she think I meant my penis? DID SHE THINK I MEANT MY PENIS!?!?!?!?!
Do people laugh when you say what you say? ‘I said yes’ Do you get paid? ‘I said yes’ Then tell Bill to have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up!
Actors Against Acting Athletes with Gary Oldman
Community: Chang Paintball Scene
Chow Yun Fat look-a-like. The best scene in Season 1.
Joel McHale Goes Viral for Nintendo
The only two things you need to know is that this is my favourite YouTube video of all-time and that you need to watch it right here, right now.